Rules for Sanctuary Employees
by MorganVivid
Summary: Are you looking to join the Irish Sanctuary? Or are you already just another of our lower level employees? Then good on you - but seriously, take note of these rules. Unofficial they most certainly are, but they may save your life (or at least save you from disciplinary proceedings). Reviews are always welcome :)
1. Rules for Sanctuary Operatives

**Are you joining the ranks of the Irish Sanctuary (seriously, we need new blood right now)? Then you would really benefit from reading this list – it may save your life. Or at least, save you from disciplinary proceedings.**

**CHERUB fans may have guessed, but this is based on Robert Muchamore's list of "50 things you're not allowed to do on CHERUB campus", so credit for the inspiration due there.**

**I will update with new rules if and when I think of at least 20-25. Readers are welcome to contribute their own rules in a review, and if I like them, I will add them onto the second list as well (with credit to you). There's no limit to the number of rules that can be on a list after all (especially a list composed by Tipstaff, as you will see….)**

Rules for Sanctuary Employees

1\. Employees who are still learning to drive must neither drive nor attempt to park anywhere near the gleaming and very expensive black Bentley in the staff car park. You have been warned.

2\. The owner of said gleaming and highly expensive black Bentley requests that the following rule is also observed – look, don't touch. No matter how in awe of it he says you all clearly are.

3\. Drafting a ten page marriage proposal in iambic pentameter for the Grand Mage is a serious waste of your time

4\. The Grand Mage also does not want flowers, chocolates, wine or haikus.

5\. ETA: However if you happen to come across any rare books or magical artefacts, she says she would like to see those. Don't expect any form of reward or physical affection in return.

6\. Administrator Tipstaff insists that employees observe Sanctuary etiquette at all times and stop drawing Hitler moustaches on photographs of him, then pinning them to the walls, just because he told you off for breaking certain standards of etiquette.

7\. For a full list of all Sanctuary etiquette and protocols, see the thick and very dusty volumes on the table outside Administrator Tipstaff's office. He requests that all Sanctuary employees take the time to look through them.

8\. He also requests that Sanctuary employees stop scribbling rude witticisms and crude drawings in the margins of these books.

9\. Any employee who spent time in the medical wing under the care of the recently imprisoned Doctor Nye may be entitled to compensation for any physical or psychological injuries caused by him - see any of the Junior Administrators for details.

10\. We know that devising new and interesting ways of scaring the living daylights out of Junior Administrator Weeper is highly amusing. Don't do it.

11\. There are acceptable ways of practising your Elemental magic skills. Blowing doors shut in other people's faces is not one of them.

12\. However, manipulating air and water in order to mess up Fletcher Renn's hair will likely be overlooked by amused higher up's.

13\. Coming to official Sanctuary fancy dress events as Mevolent is forbidden.

14\. The job description of the Sanctuary Detectives' does not include helping you track down your missing cat.

15\. They also view spying on your ex-partner as creepy and beneath them.

16\. Any Sensitive who has a new apocalyptic vision is requested to keep it to them self until we've sorted out all our current apocalypse level crises.

17\. Taking bets on how long the new Grand Mage will last is now a disciplinary offense.

18\. This is not the Ministry of Magic, and challenging your colleagues to a loud 'duel' with sticks in the corridors is childish. So is jumping out at Junior Administrator Weeper brandishing a stick and yelling 'Avada Kedavra'. See rule 10.

19\. It would be nice to be able to walk around this place without having to squeeze past a queue of adoring fans begging for the Monster Hunters' autographs. Stop encouraging them for goodness sake.

20\. Do not put references to being a Sorcerer, Mage or 'Magical Government Agent' on your Facebook profile. Sanctuary higher ups think you're an overconfident idiot who's breaking the law on revealing magic to the general public, and your mortal friends think you're an idiot full stop.

21\. Claiming that you've gained Sensitive abilities and can see that 'bad things will happen in the future' unless you are given a pay rise, will not work.

22\. Blackmailing Fletcher Renn into teleporting you to the front of the lunch and/or bathroom queue is not acceptable, unless we do it.

23\. One day, your penchant for taking selfies of you and your friends doing stupid poses next to Cleavers, will get you killed. Especially the very original 'bunny ears behind their helmets' one. They do not like it.

24\. Note to certain Sanctuary Detectives – locking colleagues who annoy you in the Sanctuary holding cells is an abuse of your powers, no matter how much they deserve it.

25\. Be careful when writing fanfiction for Gordon Edgley's novels. Remember, these characters are based on real mages, who might come and kick your ass if you pair them up with _that_ again.


	2. More Rules for Sanctuary Operatives

_Thanks for the lovely reviews folks :D Here's the next 10..._

**More Rules for Sanctuary Employees**

26\. Taking rare magical artefacts and books from the repository and claiming that you just found them yesterday lying in a ditch, is not an appropriate response to Rule 5. Stealing is a criminal offence, and will not endear you to our gloriously beautiful leader.

27\. We would also like to reiterate that Rule 12 applies to air and water only. Not fire. Not after that last incident. Who knew hair gel was so flammable?

28\. The correct response to being reprimanded by a superior is never, under any circumstances, "Terribly sorry boss. By the way, did you know that the Sparrow flies south for winter?"

29\. It is now a widely known 'fact' among staff that doors are for people with no imaginations. Rest assured however, that we have installed extensive security measures around our windows, and any employee attempting an 'imaginative' entry into work will be in need of some serious time in the medical wing.

30\. "Name the person Saracen Rue is most likely to sleep with next" is not an appropriate office poll. And why did no one pick me? Are you saying I'm not attractive?

31\. Likewise, your "Kiss the lips on the picture of Dexter Vex whilst blindfolded" game was taken down for a reason. Stop trying to put it back up again.

32\. The Science-Magic department is not interested in your incredibly detailed designs for an official Sanctuary TARDIS. Whilst they are beautifully well drawn, you've failed to include some very important information, like 'how time travel is even possible in the first place'.

33\. The Science-Magic department also request that they stop being referred to as 'The Nerds'. 'Request' here means "unless you want all the coffee machines in the building to mysteriously malfunction, and the Wi-Fi signal to disappear, you'll do as we say".

34\. Asking the grand mage whether she will conform the pattern of her predecessors (died, died, died, imprisoned, died, died, died, imprisoned) will have unpleasant consequences.

35\. We were pleased to find so many responses to our Want ad on the noticeboard for a brave and noble person willing to sacrifice their soul to save the world. Unfortunately, the hope that blossomed in our hearts was dashed, as we found out that all the replies were actually attempts by certain employees to bump off colleagues they disliked. It has to be a WILLING sacrifice people, WILLING.

36\. The next time I catch your reflection sitting at your desk writing that "boring" report instead of you, I will require you to complete a new, doubly long and triply tedious report while locked in a dim closet with one arm chained to the wall.


End file.
